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All good stories have to end somehow, even if there will be a sequel. I wanted to let you know how my life is at this point, and some of the potential issues that I have clearly failed to take on as problems.

Remember the thing about Neos not having values? What is the solution to that? Remember what I said about still liking things? OK. Robert Pirsig covered this one in his book Lila.

How does life look without a self? I would love to describe the process that occurred to bring this about, but I will not. It would not make sense to you. It would be like describing giving birth or something - lots of drama, but no connection in your visceral nature. If you have done it, no description is needed, and if not, can't be given. This is part of the reason for the "do not cast your pearls before swine" admonition: not that other people are bad or deliberately disrespectful, but that they simply cannot properly grasp someone else's experience.

Somewhat before I had this happen, I was frustrated about relationships and wrote to someone I know (another person who no longer speaks with me) that communication is impossible, understanding another person is impossible, and so relationships are impossible. So, when I was on the retreat, and I said that I wanted to help other people, and one of the teachers said, "there are no other people" I mostly understood that. The next day, I totally understood. There are not. I do not exist. You do not either. There is no past. There is no future. There is no present. I can list all the things that do not exist... everything. There are only two things that do, and I saw the distinction vanish. After that, no one can ever argue with you.

I told my therapist what happened at the retreat. She didn't quite get it, but she gets me. I have discharged my responsibility.

So, for all you worriers, I do still go to work. Basically it is the same. I drink coffee and beer. I talk with people. I go shopping and clean my apartment and everything. Outwardly, you would only see it in my eyes. They are no longer lenses, as I described in the Rapture post on one of my other sites: they are the outward-facing surface of the pure void. I don't have an inside any more. When I feel good, it is orgiastic, a limitless joy.

When I look at the world, unlike the Neo state, there is not a point of view, there is no center now. There is just an edgeless view of what is. Pure experience. It is not attached to concepts, hopes, fears, past or future. It is especially not attached to any notion that there are people. Any people. This is not just about saying that what I don't perceive does not exist: nothing that I DO perceive exists, as such. It is a hologram of pure light with no screen and no projector.

I sometimes think: gee I should try harder to be a better person and not let myself get distracted and not do ... x and y and z and ... But I can't work up any enthusiasm for a self-improvement program. If it bothers me, I will change it. That is normal for everyone. I have never been a perfectionist, and especially not now. I said to a friend the other day, "This is supposed to be fun!" Life is Joy, it is meant to be good in every way. Berating myself somehow does not hold a place at the table. I have a long way to go, but so what?

I tell people about it, and the ones I tell can understand, because I am sitting right there and looking them in the eyes. They cannot argue with the fact of what I am, even if they do not understand it fully. It is what they want for themselves because it is our birthright and what we all are headed for. It is completely natural, effortless and unproblematic.

I am not better than anyone else. As one of the teachers on the retreat explained, someone she saw 'disappear' said, "I am no more significant than a fold in a curtain." It gives me great pleasure to say, "Oh, Yes!"