Gone

Gone
The great thing in being a Neo is that there is no resistance. It is like pure being. When I went to the beach recently, before I had the experience that carried me beyond the Neo state, I was standing in the water, in the sun and wind, all by myself. I am used to ecstatic states, and so I naturally raised my arms and felt how wonderful it was, and in that moment, I felt my ego just drop - again - as if it had fallen flat to the ground. I was a single awareness without boundaries: the wind blew right through, the sun shone through like a crystal, the water was my body. I had no edges, no limits. Three birds flew by, twisting and weaving, out over the ocean, and I sensed them, and saw their flight through endless time, in forms over millions of generations. I laughed until I cried, cried until I laughed, then laughed and cried at the same time.

All the pronouns went away. All verbal thoughts ceased, except the Main Voice that talks with me, which said very little. To be with silent mind was so joyous. I was in a landscape of cement-colored sand, and dull water and a hazy sky: not very colorful. Yet I was seeing Astrally - colors in the sky, sand and water that are not known to anyone seeing in the normal way. Looking at the vast flat beach, I spontaneously said out loud, "it made so many colors!" So, in short, it sounds like I had mainlined LSD.

This lasted for hours, but I was also very tired at that time, so several times I went to my car and curled up in the back seat for a nap. I woke every time in exactly the same condition. It was right there. Eventually I got hungry and needed to head home. Driving on the empty beach road was difficult at first. No one was nearby. As I got in to town and it was crowded it became easier, but I could not figure out where to park. (It is a poorly designed recreational area.) So I went to a sub shop and then headed back through the city in 4 pm traffic. It was fun. As I merged on to the highway with multitudes of people, I was ecstatic. I could feel all of them, I could sense when they would change lanes, speed up, slow down, both individually and as a collective. I was at one with the traffic flow. Beautiful. Sometimes I went slow and it was perfect. Sometimes I matted it and shot through a gap and it was perfect.

This lasted in to the next day and eventually I slowly dropped out of it. It takes an enormous amount of energy to sustain. But it was a major step in the process. Soon after this I decided that the Neo state is not stable, or necessarily safe, or desirable, and I had to move beyond it. Clearly it was not helping my everyday life, and not useful in relationships. I also had the clear sense that it was still a 'self' state and so was not final.

Gone Beyond
The other Neo had told me about someone else that she felt was in this state. So I joined a spiritual discussion group that he led. He recommended a retreat, so I went. I needed a retreat, and the teachers were described as non-dual, so I wanted to find out if there was a way beyond the situation I was in. The retreat was good, I was very grateful to meet a dozen other people who had some understanding of what I knew and was seeking. I don't like to describe myself as a seeker, and I never wanted to find Self-Realization before this, but I was in a fix. At the very end of the retreat one of the teachers gave a visualization that for me was exactly what I needed. It helped me put the last few puzzle pieces together so that I could see the unity beyond being a self.

I knew what had happened, but I didn't jump up and shout for joy or tell everyone. First of all, it would have been jarring to everyone, second it was pointless, and third, I have learned to assess things before I make a final determination that something has happened. So I was 95% sure, and as I drove home, in a condition beyond rapture, I was optimistic that I was now in a different stage of the journey, after being at one point for over two years.

I am pretty sure that this is a non-self development. I don't go up and down anymore. I can still wander off in to thought - actually I don't catch myself as much as I should - but as soon as I realize, I go "uh" and it just drops away and disappears like water poured on to sand.  I go Uh a lot. At first I was terrified of sliding back. Well, I suppose it could happen, to a degree. But I am not especially worried about it. So I will write about what comes next, next.