cloud atlas

It is clear how the Ego can consist entirely of a self-reinforcing and self-defending set of... beliefs, whatever. Stuff. The ego at its worst is basically an armed waste disposal area occupied by thieves. But it has a proper purpose: to allow us as we are growing from about age 2 - 20, to discover the self and how it operates, while keeping things safely together. I think of it like a big lily bud that is still closed.

But we are meant to progress past that. In early adulthood, the bud should unfold to reveal the glory of the self. Freed from the confines of definition, we then explore, enjoy, grow and change further. I call this the Neo state. But in this state, there are not any ego-based elements: no values, morals, goals, right and wrong, etc. The sense of living from day to day and remembering the past, being guided by past knowledge, and planning for future situations... goes away. This reminds me of a description I read once of a group of Brahmins. A Neo is therefore a naked self without an ego container, standing alone. If we think of a line drawn down to the center of the earth, the analogy is that all Neos - selves - are connected at a single point, or that they develop from a point, or something. But beyond that, they need have nothing in common whatsoever. Two Neos are no more likely to get along (even if they know they are) than any other two people. I experienced this. Everyone has some aspects of Neo already, but they usually do not experience the state of rapture, or the complete freedom from thought that occurs, except in unusual circumstances. I find that I would peak in to this state, then slide down out of it. It is not particularly useful, and is not final. We are meant to grow beyond it.

Night Man pastel I did

How to solve the problem? Do away with the self. In my case, I was listening to a visualization on a retreat. For purposes of the retreat, I had mentally decided to be willing to set aside everything that I "knew" - all the spiritual learning and most of the training I had had, experience of past lives, etc. - and just try out what the teachers were telling me. So during a visualization, I was considering the Absolute, Unmanifested Void beyond creation, and Experience as the only two things that really exist. This worked for me. Then I saw the distinction vanish.

So the question that I have, is how can there still be likes, dislikes, enjoyment, etc, and the tendency to "do things a certain way" and be perceived in certain ways? My way of thinking of it is that there is no longer a Neo / self / flagpole to hang attributes on. But what goes on in the absence of the self is like how a location tends to have particular weather. It is not connected to anything, it just occurs there. And no-self weather is instantly changeable. I notice / remember, go "uh", then whatever I was thinking about or concerned over vanishes like water poured on to sand. This is not a state, and has no attributes. It simply does things, or better: things happen. Experience.

Most Insignificant Person

I would like to acclaim my friend Mark for many things over the last few months and especially this past week. I have enjoyed discussions, walks and meals with him (I met him 4 months ago). We had numerous extended email conversations about in-depth topics to do with reason and spirituality. When I asked for help and a place to stay after I would be discharged from the hospital (tomorrow, as I write), he volunteered his home and services. I need to stay somewhere for a week where I will be monitored, and have assistance with tasks. I cannot drive for 3 more weeks, so will also need help from friends once I return to my apartment. Mark is ideal for this. While I was unconscious or completely incapacitated for days after surgery, Mark came and calmly observed and spoke with me, then took on the needed role of sending email updates to my friends and family. (I have not seen these messages, but several people have commented on the great job that Mark did.)

What I want to say is what Mark is not, so that is a bit complex. Mark does not have personal significance. He is what he is, and does not extend, defend, justify or rehearse it. This is an excellent model of a spiritual person. I strive to be that. The best way to put this is a quote from Rumi: "The miracle of Jesus is not in what he said, or in what he did. The miracle of Jesus is himself." I salute Mark as the most insignificant person (the most simply self-being person) that I know.

After the agony, the orgiastic

When you need it, you need it

It has been over a week since surgery now, and I am feeling almost normal, except for tubes emerging from my belly. How Interesting! Doesn't hurt, even when they pull tubes or wires right out.

At times it was impossible to maintain a spiritual perspective, but today I have resumed no-self. Occasionally so overwhelming in my condition that I just lay back with my face turned upward hardly able to breathe, tears running down my face. No one seems to walk in at these moments.

I hope to leave the hospital in the next day or two.

New

" It's Your Path!!! "

It is the day before I go in for open heart surgery, and I had nothing better to do than create this new web site. See my other blogs (via the About Not Me section).
[Update: As I wrote this, I did not know if I would end up with a repaired Mitral valve, or a replacement. I got the mechanical one, and the opportunity to take deadly poison (Coumadin) to stay alive for the rest of my life.]