it

I meet other people who seem self-realized at times, and other times perhaps not. Sometimes I feel not. But what I decided today is that what I am doing is "it": I am the ways that I am, and I will not worry about what my experience is or what others' experience is. I don't really care if I am "doing it right" or have the right views, or whatever. If someone wants to straighten me out, they can. In the meantime, this is it.

faith

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Heb 11.1. How many people really understand that? It led me forward for a long time, the knowledge that because I had faith, there was inherently, unarguably something to have faith in. It was like a blind person believing in light... yes. There is light.
Recently I came across a list of stages to Liberation on a Buddhist site. I thought it was interesting because I am trying to fit everything to my 3 stage model (ego, self, no-self) and in this stack of about 15 levels, I drew a line between faith and joy, which was above it: this is the line, the distinction between someone still in the ego perspective (can't see) and the person who has peeked beyond the wall to the world beyond ego ("more light! more light!" as Goethe said).
Once you have seen it finally, there is no room for faith anymore. It has been abrogated by the Experience of one-with. God takes it away, along with any idea of not being God. We are in it, we are the godhead, the water of the sea. I is revoked by we.

emptiness

'Emptiness' is a spiritual term. I can't really explain it here, it is covered in a lot of texts on Buddhism. To me, it means that the world that we see is not going to give us any answers, permanence or security. I am sure it is deeper than that, but that is enough to deal with at the moment.

"It made so many colors"

I am finding it both liberating and undermining that, as Vivekacudemani #515 says, "I am without purpose". How good, to be relieved of the burden of having to DO anything in particular! Maybe I can just decide for myself rather than feel forced to be useful? Whatever I decide, has to be good enough, because it is all that there is. There is no moral imperative to aspire, it is a free choice. Much more mature, in my opinion. (Watch out for the line, "I am eternal" which follows it. Ouch.)

But what exactly shall I do? My girlfriend recently asked me in a very kind way, "What do you WANT?" It was nice to be asked, instead of told, but I had no answer. She said that I can take my time figuring it out. Well, I have a list of desires, but I think her question is really about purpose. Either I have to embrace "I am without purpose" or I have to select one. Desires are not much of a draw, although the delight of simple enjoyment, and the orgiastic sense of pleasure in doing plain things like driving the car while listening to music are engaging, they do not provide a reason for being. I know that there is no reason, yet I can't seem to just go sans slogan: I need something to put on my T-shirt, because going naked is not an option in this world. (What if my mission is to inform the world about emptiness? I like the circularity of that... "The end has never already happened!")

What will I decide is worth doing? Will emptiness be a source of freedom, or despair?

Gina

People are often curious that I have several "named parts", and that I named my car, phone, laptop, music player... The things in my life that "do something". Some of the names for aspects of my psyche are past life memories, so that makes sense. But I also named some personality facets that I developed (made up). I can't work with a psyche that is like a messy office: I have to have things organized in to tendencies and situations. So, I created facets based on the Archetypes. My other web sites are where they write their thoughts. The facet that I mention the most and which puzzles people is Gina.

2013 Birthday Card to Myself

Gina is modeled on a 17 year old girl. She is impulsive, energetic, enjoys driving fast, complains about boring things, and likes to go shopping. Gina represents my Basic Self. This is a concept from Psychology which refers to the border of the unconscious and conscious minds. (Note the plural.) The Basic Self "owns" the body and the things that go with it (but not sexuality, which is a higher function.) So Gina likes comfort, exercise, colorful accessories (note my purple phone, steering wheel cover and keychain, and all the hot pink things in my apartment) and things that smell good or taste good. She has little patience for delay or things she does not understand. So, I rely on Zulaikha Mahmud (Sovereign with some Mystic) to explain things to her. The Higher Self is said to emerge through the Lower Self, so that is appropriate, and R'Tah (Klingon Warrior) works with her at a visceral level of understanding: persuasion like getting a horse to cooperate in doing something. All this works great for me. Sorry if you don't get it.

I figured it all out by myself, and it lines up with what I have read in descriptions of Transpersonal Psychology. Aren't you proud of me? Discover your Basic Self, because you surely have one. And if you do not bring it to awareness, as Robert Bly says: your inner child will run your life!

oops

Last night I went out to the long hallway lined with glass to watch the sunset. It turned out to have few clouds and so not be very enticing, but I was trying to sit and see it anyway, having nothing better to do. The couch-like thing is joined at a 90 degree angle to a set of chairs, by a piece of table with magazines on it, and more chairs connected in a line by another piece of table. In other words, I could not move a chair to face the sunset. So I did what I did yesterday, plop down on the end-table part of the assemblage, sitting on the magazines.

That lasted about 10 seconds, until I suddenly fell to the floor, bashing the side of my arm. What a surprise! It worked yesterday. So I realized that having a very high level of anti-coagulant in my blood, I was due for a massive and possibly dangerous bruise on my arm. I am an Energy Healer, and have been for over a decade. I immediately began giving my arm a clearing, then some healing, more clearing, then got up and sat down and did it some more. It always works. I have never seen it fail. The major hurdle is just knowing that it WILL work and not doubting. I can do that easily for others, including animals, but it is harder for myself. Guilt, I suppose.

Leaving the scene of the crime, I went back to my room without telling anyone. This morning, I can feel that I banged my arm, but there is no visible mark, and only a tiny perceptible knot inside. It DOES work. First Aid should include clearing your Energy body. I have been giving lots of healing to that arm anyway, because it has bruises from blood draws, and a massive one from the day of surgery - I was not available to give myself a clearing that day. (That one is set, because the time to correct it is long past. You must move quickly before the energy body communicates injury to the physical body.) After giving healing to my arms, most days, I use them to give healing to my whole body. It helps.